


The TRUE Tale of Aragorn and Arwen

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [13]
Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28030818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Some things never made it into the Red Book of Westmarch. This is one of those things.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Arwen Undómiel
Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672396
Kudos: 3





	The TRUE Tale of Aragorn and Arwen

**Author's Note:**

> Do you know how hard it is to remember how to type that accent in Éowyn's name?
> 
> Harder than it should be...

It was the dark of night, or maybe in fact early morning, who knows. But either way, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, was making out with Arwen Undomiel. The Fellowship was going to leave at first light, so the two star-crossed lovers needed some time together before the epic dry spell began.

_But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted…_

“You sure you’ll be fine with me away for so long?” asked Aragorn, as they both paused to catch their breath.

“Of course, my darling. I’m an elf, after all. We don’t get it on very much, otherwise we would’ve overpopulated the planet by now. And we’re supremely disciplined, too.”

Aragorn furrowed his grizzled brow in thought. “Your dad’s thousands of years old, but he only ever had three kids. And your gran only ever had your mum.”

“I’m sure ‘gran’ would love to know you called her that,” teased Arwen.

Aragorn pressed on. “So if elves have kids so rarely, how do you even manage to have kids at all? One would think that the Eldar would have such low libido that they’d never get around to shagging in the first place—or at least, wouldn’t know what to do with it when the opportunity came along.”

Arwen smirked in the shadows. He was so naïve. She decided to curse him with knowledge.

“You’re right, thinking that it wouldn’t work out in practice. If in fact, that’s how things _are_ …”

“But?”

“But things are not like that at all.”

She waited until he was tense with anticipation. “My love, do you know Gildor Inglorion?”

Aragorn tutted. “I know all the elves of Rivendell. This place isn’t that big, nor is it particularly crowded.”

Arwen smiled. “Well, my love, I must tell you that while you may know Gildor, perhaps even well, you absolutely don’t know him as well as I do. Or as intimately.”

There was silence. Then:

“If that’s true, how come you’ve never been knocked up?”

Arwen laughed quietly. “I told you already. The elves are supremely disciplined, save for Maeglin, curse his name—”

“Yeah, fuck that guy.”

“—and therefore, we can avoid the pitfalls of the mortal races.”

Aragorn blinked. “Precisely how?”

“Well, my love, usually that means oral, sometimes anal, and on occasion, pulling out.”

Gears turned in Aragorn’s head. “Then, over hundreds or thousands of years…”

“Exactly. Nothing unplanned at all.”

Aragorn marveled at the grace of it. “You speak of Gildor. But why him? Why not, say, Glorfindel?”

At last they neared Arwen’s aim. “Gildor’s was just the first name that came to mind. I never said he was the only one.”

Aragorn’s jaw dropped. “No. Way. _No fucking way!”_

“What? Are you mad?” She groped his crotch. No, he wasn’t angry at all.

“Who _haven’t_ you fucked? Surely not Erestor?” Erestor was a total douche.

“Oh? Is that where you draw the line? Erestor?”

“Gotta draw it somewhere, babe.”

Arwen giggled at that. “Well, sorry, honey. Although, it was over a thousand years ago. Does that help the sting at all?”

It did. “So, when was the last time you hooked up?” Aragorn was genuinely curious.

“Hmm, let me think. You mean with another elf, right?”

“Yeah, sure, an elf—” Aragorn stopped himself. “What did you say?”

Arwen ignored him. “I think I seduced Tauriel last year. She was feeling down about Prince Legolas ignoring her still. So I talked her into a clam jam. The best thing about it was we didn’t have to hold back at all.”

Aragorn nearly passed out from the rush of blood. Only the gentle tugging sensation of Arwen’s hand now in his pants kept him conscious. “And what about non-elven sexual partners?” He throbbed even harder.

“What can I say?” Arwen shrugged. “I’ve been up all night, servicing your companions.”

Aragorn’s heart stopped for a second. “ _All_ of them?”

“Oh, my mistake. I skipped the wizard. I think he’s asexual, on account of the whole angelic-being-thing. As for the others, let’s just say you might not want to eat my ass right this minute.”

Aragorn lost it. A hot flood of royal splooge, the jizz of kings, burst out of his kingly cock, ruining his outfit for the day. He fell to his knees in shock.

“All…of them…all of them…”

“Yes,” teased Arwen.

“The man of Gondor…the elf…the four hobbits…even the dwarf?”

“Especially the dwarf.” Arwen relished the memory of riding Gimli’s surprised shaft. His thick, throbbing shaft, more manly than any man’s—

Suddenly Arwen was down on her knees, slurping her lover’s crotch clean. He’d still have to change his trousers and briefs, but she got most of it. Then, using elven magic, she got him hard again long enough for her to finish.

“God, I’m going to miss you,” she told him sincerely.

Aragorn had a thought. “Do we really need to only send nine of us? Why not have a tenth?”

***

Luckily for them, Lord Elrond had overheard their tryst and was extremely annoyed at their shenanigans. He thus agreed to expand the team. As a result, they were far more satisfied during the journey south. And as an added bonus, Arwen talked Éowyn into a threesome when they got to Rohan!

Just not a threesome with Aragorn.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to include another joke, but it didn’t fit.  
> Aragorn: “You know, the two of us being together makes Edward and Bella seem almost normal.”  
> Arwen: “But as young as you are, at least you’re not a seventeen-year-old kid.”  
> Aragorn: “True dat.”


End file.
